it seems that fate would always have our paths crossed and the last words "until our paths meet again" resounds like a thunder roar with lots of questions emerging from my mind. the good thing, i no longer have that strong sense of attachment emotionally as i write this but who knows in months time if that would still be the case. i am tempted to back out and i have millions of reasons for it to look valid but it would be hypocrisy to avoid this opportunity knowing that i am strong enough to face the reality despite its harshness. i mean hello? years have passed  to a point that i have immunized myself from feeling anything. i would never get answers if i continue to run away. as far as i know i have questions and they need answers. i will not demand for the answers but i have to know rather than turning a blind eye or keep pretending that you never existed. i cannot be living in webs of make believes, of how comes and of uncertainties. that is not the life i wanted and certainly in all honestly i wanna completely move on. move on in a real since that there are no unfinished business or outburst waiting to blow up. i hate showing my touchy side because it makes me vulnerable to a lot of things .i hate to be ridiculed even from my closest friends. you may see me laughing on the jokes you throw at me but always bear in mind that those pits of cries are not for your viewing pleasure. they were never meant to come out in public. it would be much appreciated if you just respect it. then again, it already happened and i cannot change what you are. i am not mad,  i'm just probably disappointed. this is a crisis that i carry for years! as much as i wanna keep it to myself, moments of vulnerability happen and as much as i wanna hold it all together those are the moments i simple cannot. if you don't like what you see or hear then best to keep your mouth shut. blackmailing are only for uneducated people. no hurt feelings here, just saying a little growing up wouldn't hurt. there are moments for childish things. as far as feelings go, basic common sense would tell us to respect it right? as crazy as it may seem, despite the immaturity ,you are still my friend:-p we've survived far more devastating heartaches, mishaps in life and silly moments. this one shouldn't break us char! back to original topic, so let's see what happens. base on my assessment i have no more reason to fallback. not in a sense i am in fighting form, just that things are more clearer and time has helped erased the setback i once fallen. so with God as my witness , giving me the power to wage war to beat out the conflict in me let's put the phrase "until our paths meet again" to the edge of its limit.

TOOTHfairytales

for the longest time i've been insecure about my 2 front teeth protruding and seemed like the perfect smile is unattainable. as years passed priorities changed but i couldn't let go of achieving my perfect smile...not that it is a matter of life and death but i know deep inside that once i have it accomplished, a sense of pride will be a reward not worthy of any monetary cost. aside from boosting confidence (as if i have a low one?!!! nyahahaa:-p) taking pictures would not be bias to one side or nth shots just to get the correct angle. i can recall asking my mom when i was a teenager to have my teeth fixed but would just get a reply that it cost too much and that it will be better if she spends the money on our daily needs to which i completely understood and so i vowed to write in my book of life to have my teeth fixed someday:) so here is a narrative on how things went...

first 2 things to consider is financial resource and a dentist you can trust. well, it took me awhile to complete the financial aspect thanks to company bonuses:-p. as for the dentist, a good friend of mine recommended them! all systems go then! my dentist had an initial assessment and sent me to have my jaw/mouth x-rayed, pictured (the experience was funny/embarrassing a bit since you literally need to open your mouth the widest apil esophagus i feel mapicturan!) and teeth molding. after a week,my dentist then showed the xray films and pictures taken while explaining what needs to be done before placing the braces including the cost of the whole procedure. initial reaction was ngeks! the braces on the upper part were placed first but with my teeth structure ,2 impacted wisdom tooth on the lower jaw needs to be extracted to create space before placing braces on the lower part. the extraction took 1 month to complete since it cannot be done simultaneously and to give way as well for healing. the challenging part didn't happen while on operation  since anesthesia was injected but i could feel my jaw/mouth getting numb. pain starts to kick on as soon as anesthesia disintegrates apart from having  the extracted side will swell for about 3 days and i was resigned to eat only soft foods. pain can be managed though by making sure i take my medicines on the prescribed time interval. before operation i had to do away with alcoholic drinks so for a month i was alcohol free nyaks! after all the extractions and sacrifices (food,alcohol and social life!), last week the lower braces were placed and the upper ones were adjusting so that completes and is the start of my quest for a healthy and perfect smile...i tell you it's not easy since i have to make sure every now and then to practice good oral hygiene habits-not that i didn't previously but to achieve 100% satisfying results in the fastest possible time and to avoid risk and complications! 

SMILE:)

seems like my life is always on a crossroad and i can't find a route to end this confusion...feels like everyday is a routine...probably this is the so called quarter life crisis...in crisis because where i am now is just okay...the state i'm in is okay tied with challenges that are strenuously draining yet they never get to spark inspiration within me...it's not that i'm asking for very difficult ones i just need a little flicker to get me going. what's worse is i don't have an answer to what that glint is...there are time that i am all alone and can't help sighing not on what could have beens but on what road to go. where i am now is comfortable but i was never comfortable at comfortable...i just need a sign that i am where i should be...because my heart and my soul is on dilemma right now:(

 

How to save a life?

so grey's anatomy...so yesterday...in a good way recalling how i used to identify myself with the lead character was funny in a way. in reality i am nothing close to meredith professionally and emotionally. we just shared one thing in common and that is falling for someone who had a troubled/complicated relationship with the ex-es so to speak. everything was all happy, gay and colorful and then hiroshima bomb just drops and introduces herself as the so called dreaded "ex." so where do we go or what do we do when faced with reality we've been avoiding and we tried to silenced with logic reasoning. i guess it has to start with acceptance. in the first place, you only dreaded the "ex" because you wanna believe they never existed. acceptance that they were there before you entered the scene. as much as you hate to admit that you trespassed a chartered territory you should acknowledge that it is the truth and nothing you do can change that. acceptance that maybe you are the so called "test" on their relationship and maybe you might get kicked out of the script anytime. regardless of what may happen it is important to remember not to pity or feel sorry for yourself. things happen synonymous to shit happens! it's okay to cry but eventually you get to laugh at the whole experience. whatever or however hurt it caused you there is always a lesson learned. simply, put it that you learned it the hard way and importantly deal with it without regrets. if i had the chance to do things again, i wouldn't change one single thing. maybe just make the most of each single time we were happy together. that to me is priceless...naks! going back to grey's, i finally bid farewell my identification to meredith as there can only be one meredith as to there is only one pauline mae...no two people can be identical...maybe in experience and in heartaches but handling the situation is different when you are from reality nyahhahaa:-p i'll have to say the series was such a source of consolation during my dark hours and gallons of tears were shed to some extent i find my way back to reality because of the show nyahahhaa:-p...so yesterday, so grey's...the answer on how to save a life? well, depends...it should start with do you wanna be saved in the first place?

on single awareness

survived vday yet again and as always looking forward for next year nyahahhaa:-p i'm saying that without any bitterness in the air or just got accustomed with the thought that somehow it just makes me laugh at the idea that its a celebration/holiday but then again it is just my opinion, i own it and its my corner so i rule here! nyahahaaa:-p if you ask one friend of mine he would just reply "who's that?...i've been numb for the longest time!" echos! i just think it's crazy that we need to have a day devoted to showing our love when in fact we can express it everyday. commercialism are now declaring what are our holidays, when to celebrate and where to go kalerkah! but then again since i'm a hopeless romantic i still believe that one day someone will finally swept me off my feet and eventually i can appreciate this particular day pero i think when that someone is finally here after 48 years of waiting everyday will surely be loveday :) it's not naman i'm spending my day looking but i never thought i would have a mindset on settling down...years ago, the idea would never crossed my mind pero my friends are slowly getting married and having kids suddenly so parang FAD na naman siya or should i say trending topic in my book of life nevertheless let me make it clear i'm not in a hurry hap! as they say timing is everything so let's wait and see what life has for me:) my favorite cousin kuya nic says i should lower my standards but truth be told i have no standards naman and if there ever was most likely i am just looking for someone who can stimulate me mentally, absolutely not boring and lastly, no physical qualifications although bonus if nayhahahhaha:-p final question? when and where art thou? char! :)

I can't help but linger with the idea of our reason for living...my friend asked me that question during the wake of our friend's mother last Saturday...in unison, we responded with the reason that everything we do is for our parents...our smallest to the greatest achievements are all for our parents. so here comes the follow-up question what happens when they leave us here on Earth? i have no answer and i don't even wanna think of one at that moment and to our surprise the gayest (pinakabayot heavy!) of us all answered simply with "that's why you need to have a family of your own so every triumphant moments would be for them." i was taken aback on the statement and at that moment i have confirmed what i have fearfully hated to admit for the longest time...i wanted to have a family of my own so when i grow old i have people to look after, share my wisdom and give all of my affection. funny things happen when someone dies, you get to contemplate on things you wanted.  suddenly, you just feel that you are not alone on that need. putting everything on living each day to the fullest as a mere requirement and sub topic on how to live. i am not saying we shouldn't...in fact, we should nyhahaa:-p as a parting word, on mikay's speech i can't help but shed tears when he said " so all of you, who still has a mommy and daddy do not forget to say i love you when you have the chance because you'll never know when would be last." i realize then how much i love my mama and papa...not that i didn't just that we were never the showy bunch but we know deep inside we do. when i was younger, i would only think of things that makes me happy but lately i realized that i am way past those years. it's now my time to think about mama and papa. probably the reason why working abroad is not something i can decide yet...a lot of considerations has to be made and i need to be assured that whatever the decision i make, will not affect any benefits they can enjoy while i work here. mama and papa are not getting younger and i can't help but be bothered on thinking i haven't done enough to make them say that they did a good job on me nyahhahaaa:-p nevertheless, i am trying as in trying hard making baby steps:) as for the family thing, i think that can wait...if papa God wills it then it will happen and until that happens i am faithfully submitting to His will:)

KUNG HEI FAT CHOI! KIONG HEE HUAT TSAI! screams are abundant hence its the Chinese New Year and as Filipino as i am i have come to embrace traditions/festivities from foreign countries...growing up in cagayan where 75% of business establishments are Chinese owned i can't help but be influenced nyhahaaa:-p who wouldn't want to be rich like them...but their wealth has something to do with self discipline,respect to tradition and even without scientific explanation they can just attract good mantras on how the earth and planetary objects move...i don't see any harm on emulating it nyhahaaa:-p skip the fascade we all want to be like them one way or another...not bad for a country that is defeating US slowly but surely on economic growth and technology...looking forward for a prosperous year of the rabbit...feng shui says wealth is good for me born on the year of the rat! yipee!!!!