of kids and farteeeys

i used to say that i never wanted kids and i made it my life mission to irritate a kid/baby until they cried *evil laugh* you might picture it as a heartless thing but don't get me wrong my intimidation is of the harmless kind suhwear! it's something like if a child likes me then we are off to a wonderful start and if it's the other way around then i asked what the..?!!!?!?!!? in defense mechanism i return the favor *another evil laugh* label it immaturity or plainly just playing around nyahahhaa:-p digging deeper during my moments, i have concluded that the reason why i acted the way i acted...dba may free DIY psycho nyahahaa? (1) i am the eldest and i saw how each of my sibling grown and rebel. i'm not saying that i did all the hard work...my mom should take the credits...i was merely an assistant...from my perspective it was much work in fact consider it a career. motherhood is a full time job! for an immature, young and restless me, it was a path i couldn't bear to take at that time (2) on a more recent note, there is something wrong with my ovaries. i may not be able to explain it medically but in simple terms they aren't growing parallel to my age. treatments and medications can help but as always there is no 100% guarantee. the fear alone of not being able to or have one is without a doubt a disaster about to happen. again, in defense mechanism and stubbornness i conditioned myself not to have one to mask any inadequacies in simpler terms you won't get hurt if you never wanted it anyway! there was this unexplained insecurity that ended up dudging bullets to innocent ones. i hate myself for hating and feeding myself into hopelessness nyhahahaa:-p it took time for me to realize that i was on a destructive self rage without the need or push from someone to be. and then just one day, it hit on me like hallortz? miracle or maturity? you can take a pick...your choice is good as a riddle for me too:)  i started, smiling to kids instead of envisioning on how to hit their irration level to the fullest. Then I realized if I let my perky persona overcome my "yet to come" phobias they started smiling back. it may sound cliche but kids/babies are really stress relievers...you make an effort to communicate and catch their attention without minding that it was really a task...i realized it is au naturel:) in a nutshell i feel that i wanted to have one nyahhaaa:) i'm not in a hurry though but i can now confidently say i'm ready...the excitement on setting up the baby room and organizing bday farteeeys...tsk..tsk...tsk..there is always a challenge though but kelan ba nawalan ang life? i may not foresee whatever is on the other side but again it is always a risk and in them meantime please be reminded its all "plans"...meaning future tense and may or may not happen:) so good luck!

P.S

even if i previously declared that i don't wanna have kids of my own....i already had names in mind for my future kids nyahahaa:-p nga-ub nho?