i am now back from hiatus not for vacation but to bid my nanay beba goodbye as she is now with papa GOD...as said on my entry i'll never feel the loss until i get to be there more like i only felt it during the last day of vigil when the 3rd gen ( term i used for me and my cousins since nanay's children are the 2nd gen) lead the rosary and eulogy...i mean each one of us will always have fond memories but the words that are tattooed on my mind describing my nanay was kind and sweet...:( to sum up how my mind goes at this exact moment as well as my feelings i have carefully choosen these 3 words....

• LEGACY-as the priest said death is an equalizer... in the end, we will all die. we cannot take with us beauty, fame and fortune. what will remain is the legacy we leave behind...during the eulogy, testimonials of how nanay would make sure that her family is intact...i am a living witness to the family reunions she would attend/organize to meet our relatives in tacloban...it was one of my most awaited event during summers...she would also make sure to make everyone feel comfortable and get to know each other...this just reminds me of station IDs but ours is real...everyone is there to celebrate and mingle with the entire clan...

• BITTERSWEET-during my first day at the funeral, i was overwhelmed with everybody's presence...i am feeling a but guilty because i felt the mood was somewhat festive as opposed to the somber mode we should be feeling...it is a bittersweet moment since i only get to see my relatives especially my cousins on moments like this...the last time we were all there was also to bid farewell to  kuya jimboy...it is only at these sad and desolate period i get to see all of them...i always say to my kuya's "magtapok-tapok lang jowd tah if naa mamatay?"...after spending some "chill time" with my cousins i felt so relieved that we all go through some issues of our own but the good thing about it is i don't feel alone and i feel normal talking it out to them since i'm talking to my own blood...the only question i have now is when will be the next time we see each other again...hopefully it will be a cheerful one :)

• REALIZATION- the incident has shaken my just stabilized mental and emotional state...it got me into thinking and ponder into a lot of ways most especially on living my life...i have a lot of doubts, fears and questions that i am too scared to fathom as of the moment...it get me into thinking on what would matter when my time comes...i just pray that it will pass and hope it happens the soonest...