over hot coffee

i've been trying to visit slumber land for the last 5 hours but i'm on a high...it could be the booze or coffee but i really cannot will my eyes to shutdown...so here i am doing one thing that never fails...i really don't have any topic in mind just that a thought visited me...with flu and sneezing nonstop i suddenly cannot stop thinking about "M." how it would be nice to finally sit and talk to him face to face once again.i meet him about 2 years ago while vacationing on a picturesque island  and i have to say i never felt so connected to a person before he came. oh well i can always carry a conversation (i don't mean to brag suhwear!)  that's a given... but he was the only guy that can really go with the pace as i was in. it's like meeting your soul mate but you don't have any romantic inclinations...you can talk anything under the sun. we basically know how to respond and finish sentences without even meaning to. we had so much to talk and so little time. nevertheless, we made the most out of it and it was one thing in my life i would never ever regret. to know that someone halfway across the world gets you. days, weeks, months and years passed and we have moved on to our lives. oh yes! we are social network connected but our lives went as how we would live it. i continued chasing my dreams and achieved most of it (ohh dba? feeler much)...suddenly out of boredom and at that moment on an emotional turmoil, i saw the green light beside his name...i tried to stop myself but just went with what the heck?!?!!!? i simply said what anyone would...a hello, smiley and the dumb how's life...i ran to the pantry to get my daily dose of coffee, never expecting an echo of answer and my ged! to my surprise there he was...the exchange would have been brief if it was just another person but we quickly jump from how we have been, to our professional lives, to the olympics and chili wings and so on...my heart was rapidly beating that nothing changed from 2 years ago. we still have that "connection" and that made my day. i am not pinning on any romantic route or feeling lovey dovey about the whole thing...but it amazes me that you can have someone like that in your life. with the one day we had together and with what happened between us we can still be who we are without assumptions or looking at each other with indifference . from the start what really drew me was his transparency and zest for life...something that i never found with any guy i meet and dated (char! as if there were too many nho?) they may appear limpid at the beginning and one with the 21st century way of thinking... but the chauvinistic man ego always prevails...the need to conquer...the need to be superior over women. sad but true, we still have double standards maybe because we let it...tsk...tsk...tsk...entirely out of topic...going back, we have been communicating as of late and everytime it's always something refreshing...there is always that feeling of excitement on our everyday adventure no matter how little it was...it doesn't need to be always constantly in touch...just finding comfort on the thought that he is out there...maybe for  a good distraction or a reminder for me that such a person exist in my life...not necessarily a lover nor the chummiest of friend rather someone you would love to chat over hot coffee :)

12.12.12

"I wish I'm just a kid. Less worries, 
sometimes none at all."

when do you say it's the end? when over is the finale? rationally, i would gather facts as many as i can to come to a conclusive decision...when my whole being is threatened and my ego had been bruised then it's high time to let go! no more explanations needed just simply drop everything and move forward...but that's the thing...how do you move forward...by now, i should have a road map on this course but i'm back to where i started. not that i am lost on what and how to step forward.

those were echoes from 15 days ago...i just reviewed all that is on draft mode and felt the strongest connection on this one. it is but fitting to end something that i started...and i sure hoped that it also happens in real life...endings to every beginnings...i can only sigh but we can choose our own endings. as crazy as how my mind goes in circus patterns this days, i am firmly planting my conviction that everything is in conclusion- no ifs no buts-just that it has closed curtains and the next play is on the works...same old me playing the lead role (but of course! this is my life nyahaaha!) and still looking for next casts to better fit vacated roles. each day is a constant battle and thankfully most days are a win! the fighter in me is pushing me to never look back, to erase vague moments of uncertainties and to thrust forward for a  brighter day. i fill out my days of thoughts that it will soon be over and sunny days are up ahead...easier said than done but to be truthful about it there are itsy bitsy leaks on this strong facade...those moments when you just wanna breakdown but you cannot because the head tells you to think long and hard that it's really not necessary...and so i drown on animosities at which i ended up on retail therapy nyahahaha:-p well a girls' gotta do what she needs to do you know :-p and as i've always say this is just temporary....i can feel and smell happiness around the corner :)

this will be the last of it...i hope!

they say the first step to letting go is acceptance...memories are bittersweet tortures but you have to continue pushing forward...it was a heavy feeling retracing the very places i once walked with the person i have almost considered to be part of my life maybe for forever. but there i am treading them as if heavy chains were strapped on each feet. i tried to keep my composure on the spot where once a person waited and looked at me like i was the only person in the world...i have to say i miss that but controlled myself of whatever emotion was gonna happen...talking aloud in my mind that it would never happen again :( so i kept  going... towards the streets where i was protectively held amongst  passing cars and buses...i was thinking of finally finding comfort when i entered the church but looking at the pews we once sat my heart just wanna stop beating for a moment and just walk out and find solace elsewhere. but i stood there reminding myself that i am here because i need to talk to the one person who knows entirely what are my heart's desire... i thought of it as a test on how far i'm willing to go to face HIM...i found relief knowing that despite my pain, my confusion and my many doubts someone up there has the greatest and best laid plans for me and that whatever I'm feeling right now is just temporary....just a little bend on the round to make me stronger and wiser the next time i turn on this corner..probably gathering a team of heavenly beings ensuring that my well deserved happy ending is gonna happen... 

GOOD VIBES :)

i stumbled upon an article about hating a person who have hurt you....made me think twice about reading the content but on the first sentence alone i stopped....uhmmm...hating is such a strong and powerful wrong and it doesn't validate any thing...yes you've been hurt, betrayed or whatever  but hating them for that will not make the pain you feel lesser. it will just magnify whatever it is you are feeling...that could then lead to self pity, guilt or something. i suggest instead rather than focusing on destroying the person why not treat them with kindness and know that in this way they will see you as a person mature enough to accept that things don't end up as intended. plus you get to show them it's their loss letting you go but that's just minor compared to feeling better. it takes time i know! i've been that road multiple times and over and over it just felt right not to say or hate while you're at that feeling...just let time heal whatever you feel or is need to repair...just have faith that after every storm is a rainbow! char!  good vibes! good thoughts! good life! 

RED

early saturday morning and listening to taylor's new album red...i'm not a big fan of hers but her honesty on her songs draws me to listen to her  aside from the obvious reason that i can relate nayahhaa:-p ohh well at this very moment (meaning it could change anytime or will no longer hold true when you read this) i am so breathing the song "i almost do"...like if there was a music video my current life episode is the perfect clip in my own point of view only hap :-p....i've been looping the song for the nth time just plainly listening and taking courage from it...convincing myself, reciting aloud at the back of my mind " i can do this!" "i am strong!"....as a tear is about to fall it suddenly stopped before it dropped...does this mean i'm turning into an ice queen? i hope not to the point where i'll have none to give for the "someone"....still praying for it....on top of all the things i have constantly prayed for...in the meantime while on commercial break i will wallow on the lines

And I just want to tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you

And I wish I could run to you

And I hope you know that

Everytime I don’t,

I almost do, I almost do

I bet you think I either moved on or hate you

‘Cause each time you reach out there’s no reply

I bet it never, ever occurred to you that I can’t say hello to you

And risk another goodbye

We made quite a mess, babe

It’s probably better off this way

And I confess, babe

That in my dreams you’re touching my face

And asking me if I want to try again with you

And I almost do

i wanna say it's sad but i wholeheartedly know it isn't.....it's probably for the best since someone made the decision on my behalf without having the courage and courtesy to ask me...hahayz...tsk...tsk...tsk...and that is un-called for :)

a woman's worth

on  a hang up from last night's hot yoga, steam bath and viva mexico dinner and now addicted to why men love bitches is a good way to wake up on a Saturday morning. it's a relief knowing that come next week it will be hell week because of the IT show...just taking things as they come despite things not so looking up...that is in my perspective. a funny thing dawned on me last night...it doesn't take a lot to feel complete. as long as my family and friends are with me then why worry...yah! yah! maybe from time to time a disturbance may come but the very least welcome it!  the important thing is never bending who you are and decreasing your value as a woman. how can we stand firm on our need for equality if we allow ourselves to depreciate? ill end this piece from the book "As a person, you feel you are complete with him or without him. This is the most important thing you can convey:independence rather than dependence. This is what gives him the perception you can hold your own."

Dangerous Liaisons

in life we come to a moment where we just simply take a leap of faith....without clarity as fleeting as the moment pass we grab it...not because it's the right thing but because it just feels too good to let it go. people will wonder and maybe pass judgement at a glance...you may or may not have the answers right away but subconsciously you now deep within you that sometimes you stretch the boundary up to its fullest limits...you just have to keep in mind that once you've reached saturation point you need to be sure that you have yourself saved....keep the faith! always trust in God's plan :) He knows what's best for us!